The subject of today’s sex guide is essential, yet unknown to many new BDSM enthusiasts. We’re going to discuss a dom-sub agreement, or — to keep it formal — a Dominant-Submissive contract.
A dom-sub agreement can be written or spoken, although a paper copy can prove useful in case of any misunderstandings. It should contain outlines of the terms, expectations, boundaries and the agreed-upon safe word.
As bizarre as a lover’s contract sounds, it’s crucial to establish clear guidelines and keep everyone comfortable with the power exchange dynamic. It’s also particularly important if the pair decides to indulge in more adventurous or potentially dangerous fetish practices.
Keep in mind that ensuring both parties’ needs, desires and limits are respected and fulfilled isn’t everything — their safety is a priority. A written agreement can help clarify expectations, but it cannot replace ongoing consent or provide legal protection for activities that cause unlawful harm. Either partner can withdraw consent at any time, regardless of what the contract says.
For a deeper understanding of dom/sub dynamics and effective training techniques, check out our previous sex guide, A Dom’s Guide to Training a Submissive.
What Should a Dom-Sub Agreement Contain?
As every relationship differs, every agreement contains different elements. Some people, usually those who are very close before entering a dom-sub relationship, decide to limit their contract to just their wants and preferences, if they even make a contract.
However, as often happens in the BDSM community, some people begin exploring these dynamics with partners they don’t know particularly well and therefore prefer to make very detailed agreements.
Below is a list of elements that may be useful to include, but it’s not a checklist. You’re free to personalise it.
Dictionary
This section should clearly state who is taking on which role, what fetishes they want to practise (with precise definitions), their safe word and any definitions that may be needed to interpret the contract.
In some cases, roleplay scenarios like CNC (consensual non-consent) or activities that involve physical risks may be misunderstood outside their original context. This is why clearly discussing and recording boundaries can be useful.
However, it’s important to understand that a written agreement doesn’t make potentially harmful activities automatically lawful or remove the need for consent throughout every encounter.
Roles and Responsibilities
An outline of what’s expected of both the dominant and the submissive. It may include duties and special protocols. It should clearly state when and how they should both carry out their responsibilities.
One such rule could be: “During a session, and only then, the submissive cannot look the dominant in the face.”
This is also a good opportunity to establish whether the power exchange applies only during agreed sessions or extends into other aspects of the relationship.
Activities
This part should contain all the activities, behaviours and power exchange dynamics.
For example, the kinks the pair wants to explore, how they should act towards each other and any agreed disciplinary or punishment scenarios.
It’s important to define what each activity means to both partners, particularly when one person has more experience than the other. Any punishment or disciplinary play must remain consensual and within the established boundaries. Withdrawing consent should never result in punishment.
Restrictions
This section defines both the soft and hard limits of both parties. It’s crucial to remember and respect them both.
It may contain gentle guidelines, like “Don’t leave any marks in any visible place”, and also complete dealbreakers, for example, “Don’t take any pictures or videos” or “Don’t choke me”.
Regardless of the limitation, both parties should honour and respect it, no matter the circumstances.
A hard limit is something that must not happen, while a soft limit generally describes something a person is hesitant about or would only consider under specifically agreed circumstances. Neither should be treated as an invitation to push someone beyond their comfort zone.
Safety
The last section should state that everyone involved understands and voluntarily agrees to the above terms, and describe all the safety precautions they’re taking.
Every so often, it also contains financial agreements, like possible medical costs, toy shopping, the budget and who’s going to cover it.
This section should also explain how either person can stop a session, what happens if someone becomes uncomfortable and whether any particular activities require additional safety precautions.
Remember that consent is ongoing. Even after signing an agreement, either partner has the right to change their mind or withdraw permission without having to explain themselves.
Dom-Sub Relationships — What’s the Norm?
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, there’s no magical one-size-fits-all recipe for a dom-sub relationship. Everyone is different, making all the definitions and arrangements greatly varied from each other.
During the very first conversation, you should establish if you’re looking for the same thing and how specifically you wish to achieve it.
A good place to start is deciding what roles you’re going to be taking and what they mean. Obviously, one person will be the submissive and the other their dominant, but you have to clearly define what that means.
These roles and responsibilities are typically defined according to the preferences and desires of the parties involved, and they may relate to various aspects of the relationship, including sexual activities, power exchange dynamics and daily interactions.
The next step should be discussing what sort of activities you want to include in your contract. Apart from sharing kinks, make sure to explain what each one of them means to you.
If you’re open to exploration, this would be a great moment to proclaim that. Maybe it’ll give your partner the courage to share more.
Remember that being dominant doesn’t give someone unlimited authority over their submissive. The entire relationship should be based on mutually agreed boundaries, trust and respect, regardless of the roles each person chooses.
How to Set Boundaries
People tend to associate boundaries with restrictions, and while these two are closely related, this negative connotation is harmful and discouraging.
The process of setting and reinforcing boundaries in dom-sub relationships can be quite tedious and long, but nevertheless much needed. The first thing a potential pair has to do is sit down and talk, which, let’s be honest, doesn’t sound sexy at all.
Let’s start with the definition: what exactly are boundaries, how can you identify them and should you explore them?
Everything that you’re not comfortable with, or simply not interested in, is considered your limit. It can be kissing on the lips, name-calling, touching certain body parts or just about anything you can think of.
In all our sex guides, we try to encourage people to explore their preferences, but in this case, it’s particularly important to understand the difference between exploring your interests and pushing yourself beyond your boundaries.
You can explore with your partner, but remember to stay in tune with yourself. Be open and communicative about your needs, desires and experiences. Getting to know yourself, your kinks and your limits is essential to identifying and establishing proper boundaries.
As mentioned above, proper communication is the key to maintaining healthy boundaries. But how does one do it?
It goes without saying that a partner who doesn’t respect your limits isn’t worth your attention, but this type of conversation can be a minefield for both parties involved.
It’s easy to have a misunderstanding, which can have serious consequences. This is why you should voice your needs clearly and always ask for specific consent.
Here are some examples of how you might phrase your requests:
“I hate when you…” — Avoid unnecessarily strong wording, especially in a personal context. Instead, you can say: “It makes me uncomfortable when someone…” This way, you let your partner know how you feel without making the conversation sound like a personal attack.
“You should do this instead of that.” — This phrasing may make your partner feel like they’re not enough or bad at whatever was the subject. A more neutral way to say it would be: “Doing that made me feel […], but do you think you could do this instead?”
“You can’t touch me there.” — A lot of people don’t like to be touched in certain places. Sometimes it’s about body image, sometimes it’s just ticklish, and all reasons are absolutely valid. You can explain your feelings by saying: “I’m not comfortable being touched there, please avoid that.” However, remember that a direct statement such as “Don’t touch me there” is also perfectly acceptable. You never need to soften a boundary to make it valid.
“I want to do this.” — This request might be appropriate, depending on the level of your relationship. If it’s still fresh, a more polite way might be: “I’d appreciate it if we could try this.”
The most important thing is that both partners understand exactly what has been agreed upon. Being polite is helpful, but being clear is essential, particularly when discussing hard limits and activities that could cause discomfort or harm.
Consensual and Secure
As always, you have to prioritise your safety over everything else. Any sexual interaction can be potentially harmful, but with dom-sub relationships, certain activities involve additional physical and emotional risks.
The peculiar nature of the relationship can put both parties under emotional strain, which may lead to serious problems if it isn’t addressed. Talking about feelings is never easy, but it’s sometimes necessary.
The physical dangers also shouldn’t be ignored. Be aware of your partner’s health and use proper protection. If the chosen activities involve potential exposure to bodily fluids, both partners should consider appropriate STI testing and safer sex precautions.
You should also discuss whether your relationship is exclusive or involves other sexual partners. Exclusivity may be a personal preference, but it doesn’t automatically eliminate STI risks, so honest communication and testing remain important.
After a successful session, you should consider the concept of aftercare.
Aftercare involves providing emotional support, reassurance and comfort to the submissive after intense or emotionally challenging scenes. However, both the dominant and submissive may benefit from aftercare.
You use this time to unwind and also discuss the session. Talk about what worked out great, what new things you can do and what wasn’t satisfying.
Remember to be considerate and open to communication.
Another critical aspect is consent. Always make sure your partner is comfortable when you introduce new elements to your session. Just because somebody has agreed to one activity doesn’t mean they’ve automatically agreed to something else.
In case one of you feels uncomfortable or wants to make sure the other person isn’t, you’ll need a safe word.
The use of safe words is a fundamental aspect of many successful dom-sub agreements. A safe word allows either participant to communicate that something needs to stop immediately, even when ordinary words such as “no” or “stop” are part of an agreed fictional scenario.
However, an ordinary request to stop must also be respected. A safe word is an additional precaution, not the only way someone can withdraw consent.
Bonus — How to Choose a Safe Word
Follow these rules to choose the perfect safe word:
Memorable — The word or phrase should be easy to remember, even during an intense or emotionally overwhelming moment. Both partners should remain alert and capable of communicating throughout the session.
Distinct — It should stand out from normal speech and not be easily confused with everyday language.
Clear — The safe word should clearly alert the other party that they need to stop. It shouldn’t sound similar to other common phrases or be difficult to understand.
Out of the blue — A lot of people pick the most random and bizarre thing they can think of to remember it better and immediately snap their partner out of the sexy mood.
Examples of easy safe words include:
Blue monkey
Ugly tree
Stone muffin
Once you’ve made your choice, you should also consider adding a safe gesture that would be an additional signal in case you can’t speak.
Some couples also prefer the traffic-light system, where green means everything is comfortable, yellow means slow down or check in, and red means stop immediately.
Whatever system you choose, make sure both partners understand it before beginning. If someone becomes unable to respond or communicate clearly, the activity must stop immediately.
After all, even the most elaborate BDSM contract means very little without trust, communication and mutual respect.