A Sex Guide for the Kink-Curious

How to tell if you’re kinky? Perhaps you asked this question to yourself, or maybe somebody else asked you this, and it sent you down in to a spiral of wondering. Hearing and reading about all of those people who are doing nasty stuff in bed may make you feel like you don’t belong. Is it even possible to just be into vanilla sex? If you’re struggling with finding out your sexual preferences, this sex guide is for you. You are not the only person ever wondering what they like, it’s absolutely normal not to be sure. This sex guide is dedicated to people who don’t know what they want, but feel like there’s something missing from their sex life.

What is a fetish?

The definition of fetish changed in the course of years, hence a lot of miscommunication on the matter. Nowadays, the word fetish is commonly used to refer to any sexually arousing practise, regardless if it’s actually kinky and usual or not. For example, one might say that his fetish is oral sex, just because they enjoy it. It’s also used to indicate once preferences like blond or fit people. The origin of the word fetish comes from sexual fetishism also known as erotic fetishism, which is a medical term used to describe a sexual fixation on a non-living object or not genital body part. Not all sexual fetishism are considered disorders, it’s more of an umbrella term that covers practises like partialism or paraphilias. It’s only considered a disorder when the activity is unacceptable (exhibitionism), causes harm (automasochism), or turns so obsessive and compelling it interferes with daily life.

Difference between a paraphilia and a paraphiliac disorder?

The line between a paraphilia and a paraphiliac disorder is very thin, and it’s easy to cross it. The definition of paraphilia under first look might be the same. It’s a strong sexual desire to an atypical object, situation, or target. The main difference is that a paraphiliac disorder will be harmful to one or all parties involved. For example, being attracted to money (also known as timophilia) is a normal kink, while necrophilia is something that should be treated. Another thing that tells apart a paraphilia and a paraphiliac disorder is the intensity of it. While a desire to have sex on the pile of banknotes is safe, and fun, swallowing them or putting them in strange places can lead to a trip to ER. It’s also possible for a paraphilia to turn into a paraphiliac disorder and cause interference in your daily life. Something that have started as a thing that you just like to do during sex, might turn into an obsession that makes it unable for you to continue your normal life. If you are worried that your kink is getting out of control, contact a sex therapist.

Discover yourself

Think back to the last time you masturbated, have you fantasised about something odd? While most fetishes form during puberty or early years of sexual activity, some are dormant until triggered. For example, one day your partner might jokingly refer to you as a king or queen, and you might like the sound of that a little too much. It’s always better to try it out instead of keeping it inside because it can be overpowering once you can’t contain your desires any more. Remember that there’s nothing wrong with being kinky, and you should never be shamed for that. If you like the sound of something, try it out and see if it fits your needs. Keep in mind that sex is a journey, and it’s always better to travel with a partner.

Step by step

Go easy on yourself and be slow. Only because you like name-calling doesn’t mean you’re into absolute humiliation. It’s essential for your partner and you to understand that and not try to push yourself over the limit. Also, just because something looks good on paper, doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy it, you shouldn’t feel bad for wanting to stop in the middle. At the beginning, tell your partner that it’s your first time experimenting and agree on a safe word. Perhaps watching some erotic videos together or reading up on various sex guides will help you both to ease into it? Another critical thing that might make you want to abandon the whole kink-searching business is that you can be unable to fulfil your desires. You may have fantasised about dominating your partner for months, but actually doing that may feel a little overwhelming, if not impossible. Ease into it slowly and don’t expect too much from yourself.

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