Every relationship looks different. Some barely need a word, they’ve known each other for years and just nod and carry on. Others — especially when it’s new, or when they’re curious about power play — lean on what people call a BDSM contract. Sounds official, but it’s not legal, not binding in that way. It’s more of a safety net, written down. A “this is what I want, this is what I don’t, here’s how we stop if needed.” I’ve seen people keep it typed up neatly in Google Docs, or just scrawled on paper next to cold coffee. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you both understand it.
Dictionary
Start here. Write down the roles. Who’s taking which part, what you want to be called. Sometimes even the words themselves can trip people up, so best to make it clear at the start. Add your fantasies — keep them specific enough to make sense, but not so rigid that you can’t change your mind. And always: the pause signal. A safe word, a gesture, something obvious. I’ve heard people use everything from “blue banana” to tapping three times. It seems silly until you need it.
Roles and responsibilities
This is where people sometimes overcomplicate things. Honestly? Just note what you expect from each other. Is one of you leading the rhythm, setting the structure? Is the other happier following? Do you want rules like “no eye contact in the moment” or do you find that too stiff? It’s not about right or wrong, it’s just about not being left in the dark.
Activities
Think of this part as a mood board. List the scenes or themes you’d like to try. Role play, restraint, even just atmosphere — music low, lamps off, phones out of sight. Some couples even jot down what to do if things fall flat: “pause and reset” or “laugh and carry on.” You’d be surprised how useful it is to know that in advance.
Restrictions
This is the heavy but necessary bit. Hard no’s. Softer maybe’s. Don’t shy away from writing them. It could be practical — no recording, no sharing. Or more personal — “not comfortable with this area,” “let’s not take it outdoors.” Once it’s written, it’s respected, always. That’s non-negotiable.
Power isn’t only about control, it’s about listening too. The secret language of power and surrender touches on how both sides can find balance.
Safety
Close with care. How you’ll keep each other safe. Safe word, check-ins, the right to stop immediately. I’ve seen couples add very ordinary details here too — “sessions no longer than an hour,” “budget for toys no more than £50 this month,” even “aftercare must include tea.” It sounds quaint, but those small comforts matter when you’re coming back down.
The truth? There’s no single template. Every contract looks different because every couple is different. What matters most is the first conversations — are you looking for the same thing? How do you define the words “dominant” and “submissive” for yourselves? They’re just labels until you give them meaning.
Boundaries
People often hear “boundaries” and think “restrictions.” It’s the opposite. Boundaries are what make the play safe enough to enjoy. Setting them isn’t sexy — it might be scribbled lists at the kitchen table, or late-night texts when you can’t sleep. Still, you need it. Phrase things kindly. Instead of “I hate when you…” try “I feel uncomfortable when…” Instead of “don’t touch me there,” try “I’m not comfortable with that spot.” Same meaning, but softer edges.
Aftercare
Don’t skip this. After something intense, aftercare is what pulls you both back together. Maybe it’s lying quietly, maybe it’s talking about what worked, maybe it’s nothing more than tea and toast at 2am. Whatever it looks like, it matters.
Consent and safe words
Consent is the thread that runs through all of this. Never surprise, never spring new things without agreement. Safe words are lifelines. Pick something odd, something you’d never say otherwise — “stone muffin” made me laugh once, but it worked. Add a gesture too, in case you can’t speak. It’s the kind of detail you hope you’ll never need, but you’ll be glad you have.
Boundaries are the thread holding everything together. How dominatrixes protect boundaries in BDSM shows how care and clarity shape every dynamic.
💌 Sophia Hart’s Intimacy Note
If you take anything from this, let it be that a BDSM contract isn’t about rules on paper. It’s about trust written down in black and white so neither of you has to wonder where the lines are. Don’t worry if it feels awkward at first the best agreements are often messy drafts, scribbled late at night with half-drunk tea on the table. What matters is the conversation, the honesty, the space you give each other to say yes, no, maybe, not yet. And remember — these words can always be rewritten, just like the relationship itself.