The world of BDSM and sub-dom relationships seems to be its own different realm. In our previous sex guides, we visited it for various purposes, but today we’re coming back to the basics. How to train a submissive? It’s almost silly that we omitted a beginner’s subject such as this one, but it’s never too late to fix one’s mistakes. It’s also never too late to become a professional escort, or a professional dominatrix. Discover more about this empowering dynamic in our beginner’s guide to gentle femdom. Today’s sex guide is more related to the latter profession, although there’s no such thing as too many skills. We already discussed how to turn your man into a sex slave and your woman into a sex slave but today we’re talking strictly dom/sub relations and training techniques. Without further ado, let’s dive into the faraway land of BDSM!
What is a dominant-submissive relationship?
A dominant-submissive relationship, called dom/sub for short, is an important part of BDSM. The definition is a bit tricky, it’s commonly defined as a consensual power exchange dynamic. This word cluster my look complicated, although you must’ve seen it before if you’re a frequent reader of our sex guides. It describes a type of relationship, in which there’s a clear distinction between the dominant partner, who takes on the role of authority, and the submissive partner, who willingly gives up control. The consensual part of it is extremely vital, as no matter how aggressive, and otherwise plainly abusive, things the pair my get-up to, it’s still for the mutual pleasure and within predetermined boundaries.
The dominant partner, also known as the dom or, if it’s a woman, dominatrix or domina, is the leading partner, responsible for guiding and directing the relationship. They set rules, boundaries, and expectations for the submissive partner (the sub). Obviously, they both have to agree on everything. Beyond professional doms work, some couples take the power play to the next level, meaning all areas of their life are a part of it.
The Pleasures of Submission
For submissives, giving up control to their dominant partner is a pleasure in itself. The unique power dynamics within the relationship can provide a sense of security, purpose, and, of course, arousal. Submissives often enjoy being obedient, following orders, and fulfilling the desires and fantasies of their dominant partner.
On the other hand, dominants take pleasure in the responsibility of caring for their sub’s well-being, both physically and emotionally. Dominants may engage in various forms of play, such as bondage, spanking (as explored in our ‘Guide to Erotic Spanking‘ ), role-playing, or sensory deprivation, all within the boundaries and limits established by both partners, as discussed in our ‘Beginner’s Guide to Bondage‘.
Building Trust and Communication in D/s Relationships
It’s crucial to note that a dominant-submissive relationship is built upon trust, open communication, and consent. Both partners must fully understand their roles, boundaries, and desires. Consent is critical, and any activity must be consensual and negotiated beforehand. It’s also important to keep private interactions separate from dom/sub ones, which is a crucial aspect of mastering emotional distance as a dominatrix.
Training and motivation techniques
Training in a dom/sub relationships is designed to condition the submissive partner mentally and sexually to better serve the dom. These techniques aim to establish a dynamic where the submissive completely turns over control to the dominant, while experiencing pleasure and fulfilment in the process. Obedience training, as that’s how it’s usually called in BDSM terms, plays a fundamental role in submissive training. It involves setting clear rules and expectations for the submissive, which they must obey. It focuses on developing discipline, respect, and a sense of structure within the relationship.
Punishment and reward systems are essential elements of submissive training. Punishments are used to correct and reinforce discipline, while rewards are given to recognize and encourage desired behaviour. These methods help maintain the power dynamic and provide motivation for the submissive to meet the expectations set by the dominant partner. Quite often, they even like being punished, on both emotional and sexual level.
Both punishments and rewards are divided into three categories: verbal, physical and emotional/mental. Here are a few examples:
Punishments:
- Verbal reprimands the dominant may use stern words or verbal cues to correct the submissive’s behaviour or actions that do not meet the established rules.
- Physical discipline – this can include spanking, flogging, or other forms of impact play. It can also encompass prolonged edging, tickling (as discussed in our article on “Tickling as a BDSM Session“), or breathplay (as introduced in our Breathplay guide). These physical punishments are all consensual and are intended to provide a sense of correction and control.
- Timeouts – the submissive may be assigned a period of isolation or reflection as a punishment for not following instructions or rules. The dom may choose to ignore them or completely decline meetings for a certain period of time.
Rewards:
- Verbal Praise – the dominant partner can provide positive reinforcement through verbal affirmations, acknowledging the submissive’s obedience, and expressing satisfaction with their performance.
- Physical Rewards – this can include sensual touch, gentle caresses, or sexual acts (like favourite kink) as a way to gratify and reward the submissive for their good behaviour or fulfilling their assigned tasks.
- Privileges – the dominant may grant special privileges or rewards to the submissive as a form of gratification. This can range from allowing the submissive to make decisions or granting them special treats or experiences.
It’s important to note that punishments and gratification should always be consensual and within the boundaries established in the relationship.
Consent and Boundaries in BDSM Relationships
In our sex guides, we always stress the importance of conversation and consent, but it’s even more critical with BDSM related subjects. Establishing consent and boundaries is a fundamental aspect of any dom/sub relationship. Before any action, both partners should have many open and honest discussions about their individual boundaries, limits, and desires. This ensures that both parties clearly understand what is expected and what is off-limits, creating a safe and consensual dynamic. Consent is the crucial factor of any healthy relationship, especially in the context of dominance and submission. Both the dominant and submissive must freely and willingly give their consent for any activities or scenes that take place. Consent should be informed, enthusiastic, and revocable at any time. It is important to remember that consent is not a one-time agreement, but an ongoing process that requires continuous communication and mutual understanding. The submissive should be able to make their dominant stop all action at once, which can be implemented with the use of safe words. A safe word is a unique word (sometimes a gesture too), that wouldn’t be otherwise used during an exchange, for example “blue kangaroo” or “square ball”. The words should also have clear and easily distinguishable pronunciation.
Communication and Negotiation in Dom/Sub Dynamics
Communication and negotiation play key roles in maintaining a balanced and consensual dominant-submissive relationship. Regular check-ins with the submissive partner are essential to ensure that their needs and desires are being met. A good dom should be able to provide a safe space for open and honest communication that allows the submissive to express themselves, voice any concerns, and provide feedback. They should actively listen and validate the submissive’s feelings, making adjustments as necessary. Negotiating scenes, activities, and limits is an integral part of establishing boundaries within a dom/sub relationship. This involves discussing and mutually agreeing upon the specific activities, intensity levels, and boundaries that both partners are comfortable with.
Safe and sound in Dom/Sub Dynamics
In a dom/sub relationship, ensuring the safety and well-being of the submissive is of utmost importance. The same goes for the dom, as they’re also exposed to potential mental problems, and not only that. We already created a sex guide about sex work safety, relationship dilemmas and emotional distancing, but it’s not all. Listed below are all the aspects you have to look out for, if you want to be a good dominant. You can use it as a practical checklist.
- Safe words and signals — predetermined words or gestures that the submissive can use to communicate discomfort or the need to stop a scene. Safe words provide a clear and immediate way for the submissive to express their limits and ensure boundaries are respected.
- Aftercare — after intense sessions, provide emotional support, reassurance, and comfort to the submissive. Aftercare can involve cuddling, talking, offering water or snacks, or engaging in gentle activities.
- Create a safe environment — build an atmosphere where the submissive feels cared for and supported. This includes ensuring physical safety, emotional well-being, and open communication.
- Regularly check-in — maintain open lines of communication to ensure the submissive’s needs and desires are being met. Regularly check in to discuss boundaries, limits, and desires, and create a safe space for the submissive to express themselves. Some partners decide to keep a separate means of communication just for that purpose, like a different messenger or e-mail.
- Educate yourself — educate yourself about BDSM practices, stay informed about best practices, and seek guidance from trusted sources. Remember to fact-check any activity you planned, since some fantasies can be dangerous to fulfil.
To sum up, dom/sub sessions can be an unforgettable and fulfilling experience for both parties involved, but as with everything, you have to be careful. Training a new submissive is a lot of work, and even old ones must take some time to adjust to their new dom. You have to stay patient and communicative, as long as you both want the same thing, there shouldn’t be any issues. Our sex guides series covered lot of potential practices for a BDSM sessions, such as: CBT, breathplay, foot fetish, golden shower and bondage. You are welcome to explore them or jump to the erotica section for inspiration.
BDSM Session Guides:
Cock And Ball Torture Guide: Learn the ins and outs of CBT, including techniques and safety measures.
Taking Breathplay by the Throat: Navigate the delicate art of breathplay safely and exhilaratingly.
Stepping Up Your Foot Fetish Fantasies: Explore foot fetishism with tips and creative ideas for indulgence.
Guide to Watersports and Golden Shower: Delve into watersports with insights on psychology, safety, and consensual play.
Guide to Bondage and Restraint: Unlock the secrets of bondage play, covering basics to advanced techniques and safety.
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