Personalising Your Dominant-Submissive Agreement
As every relationship differs, every agreement contains different elements. Some people, usually those that are very close prior to dom-sub relationship, decide to limit their contract to just their wants and preferences if they even make a contract. Regardless, as it often happens in the BDSM community, a lot of people are strangers and therefore make very detailed agreements. Below is a list of elements that may be useful to include, but it’s not a checklist, you’re free to personalize it.
Dictionary
This section should clearly state who is taking on which role, what fetishes they want to practise (with precise definitions), their safe word and all definitions that may be needed to interpret the contract by the third party. In rare cases, role plays like CNC (consensual non-consent) or any physically damages activities may be taken outside the context and used against the dominant, this is why a written contact is crucial.
Roles and Responsibilities
An outline of what’s expected of both the dominant and the submissive. It may include duties and special protocols. It should clearly state when and how they both should carry on with their responsibilities. One of such rules can be: “during a session, and only then, the submissive cannot look the dominant in their face”.
Activities
This part should contain all the activities, behaviours, and power exchange dynamics. For example, kinks the pair wants to do, how they should act towards each other, and possible punishments.
Restrictions
This section defines both soft and hard limits of both parties. It’s crucial to remember and respect them both. It may contain gentle guidelines (like: “don’t leave any marks in any visible place”) and also complete dealbreakers (for example: “don’t take any pictures and videos” or “don’t choke me”). Regardless of the limitation, both parties should honour and respect it, no matter the circumstances.
Safety
The last paragraph should state that everyone involved consents to the above terms and describe all the safety precautions they’re taking. Every so often, it also contains financial agreements, like possible medical costs, toy shopping, the budget, and who is going to cover it.
Understanding the Norms of Dom-Sub Relationships
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately?, there’s no magical one fits all recipe for a dom-sub relationship. Everyone is different, making all the definitions and arrangements greatly varied from each other. During the very first conversation, you should establish if you’re looking for the same thing and how specifically you wish to get it. A good place to start is what roles are you going to be taking and what does it mean. Obviously, one person will be a submissive, and the other their dominant, but you have to clearly define what that means. These roles and responsibilities are typically defined according to the preferences and desires of the parties involved, and they may relate to various aspects of the relationship, including sexual activities, power exchange dynamics, and daily interactions.
The next step should be discussing what sort of activities you want to include in your contract. Apart from sharing kinks, make sure to explain what each one of them means to you. If you’re open for exploration, this would be a great moment to proclaim that, maybe it’ll give your partner courage to share more.Â
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How to set boundaries?
People tend to associate boundaries with restrictions, and while these two are synonyms, this negative connotation is harmful and discouraging. The process of setting and reinforcing boundaries in dom-sub relations is quite tedious and long, but nevertheless much needed. The first thing a potential pair has to do is sit down and talk, which, let’s be honest, doesn’t sound sexy at all.
Let’s start with the definition: what exactly are boundaries, how can you identify them and if you should explore them? Everything that you’re not comfortable with, or simply not interested in, is considered your limit. It can be kissing on the lips, name-calling, touching certain body parts, just anything you can think of. In all our sex guides, we try to encourage people to explore their preferences, but in this case, it’s particularly important. You can explore with your partner, but remember to stay in tune with yourself. Be open and communicative about your needs, desires, and experience. Getting to know yourself, your kinks and your limits is essential to identify and establish proper boundaries.
As mentioned above, proper communication is the key for maintaining healthy boundaries. But, how does one do it? It goes without saying that a partner who doesn’t agree with your limits isn’t worth your attention, but this type of conversation is a minefield for both parties involved. It’s easy to have a misunderstanding, which can have serious consequences, this is why you should voice your needs clearly and always ask for specific consent. Here are some examples of how you should phrase your requests:
- “I hate when you…” — avoid strong working, especially in personal context, instead you can say: “It makes me uncomfortable when someone…”. This way, you let your partner know that they’re not a problem, and share your feelings at the same time.
- “You should do this instead of that” — this phrasing may make your partner feel like they’re not enough or bad at whatever was the subject. A more neutral way to say it would be: “Doing that made me feel […], but do you think you could do this instead?”.
- “You can’t touch me there” — a lot of people don’t like to be touched in certain places, sometimes it’s about body image, sometimes it’s just ticklish, all reasons are absolutely valid. Nevertheless, you should avoid giving commands like that, instead you can ask: “I’m not comfortable being touched there, please try to avoid that”. Once again, emphasize your feelings about the situation.
- “I want to do this” — this request might be befitting, it depends on the level of your relationship. If it’s still fresh, a more polite way would be better, like “I’d appreciate it if we could try this”.
Prioritising Safety and Well-being in Dom-Sub Relationships
As always, you have to prioritise your safety over everything else. Any sexual interaction can be potentially harmful, but with dom-sub relationships, it’s even worse. The peculiar nature of the relationship puts both of the parties in a mental strain, which can lead to serious problems if it’s not addressed. Talking about feelings is never easy, but it’s sometimes necessary. The physical danger also shouldn’t be ignored; be certain about your partner’s health and use proper protection. If the chosen activities involve more bodily fluids, regularly test your partner and yourself. You should also consider being sexually active only with them, that’s the safest option.
After a successful session, you should consider a concept of aftercare. Aftercare involves providing emotional support, reassurance, and comfort to the submissive after intense or emotionally challenging scenes. You use this time to unwind and also discuss the session. Talk about what worked out great, what new things you can do, what wasn’t satisfying. Remember to be considerate and open to communication.Â
Another critical aspect is consent, always make sure your partner is fine when you introduce new elements to your session. In case one of you feels uncomfortable or wants to make sure the other one isn’t, you will need a safe word. The use of safe words is a fundamental aspect of a successful dom-sub agreement.Â
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Bonus: How to choose a safe word?
Follow these rules to choose a perfect safe word:
- Memorable — the word, or phrase, should be easy to remember, even in a questionable state of arousal or consciousness.
- Distinct — it should stand out from normal speech and not be easily confused with everyday language.
- Clear — the safe word should clearly alarm the other party about the need to stop, it cannot sound similar to some other common phrases, regardless if you have your mouth full or not.
- Out of the blue — a lot of people pick the most random and bizarre thing they can think of to remember it better and immediately snap their partner out of the sexy mood.
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Examples of easy safe words: blue monkey, ugly tree, stone muffin.
Once you made your choice, you should also consider adding a safe gesture that would be an additional signal in case you can’t speak.
BDSM Session Guides:
Cock And Ball Torture Guide: Learn the ins and outs of CBT, including techniques and safety measures.
Taking Breathplay by the Throat: Navigate the delicate art of breathplay safely and exhilaratingly.
Stepping Up Your Foot Fetish Fantasies: Explore foot fetishism with tips and creative ideas for indulgence.
Guide to Watersports and Golden Shower: Delve into watersports with insights on psychology, safety, and consensual play.
Guide to Bondage and Restraint: Unlock the secrets of bondage play, covering basics to advanced techniques and safety.
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