The world of BDSM and dom/sub relationships seems to be its own different realm. In our previous sex guides, we visited it for various purposes, but today we’re coming back to the basics. How do you train a submissive?
It’s almost silly that we omitted a beginner’s subject such as this one, but it’s never too late to fix one’s mistakes. It’s also never too late to become a professional escort or a professional dominatrix. Discover more about this empowering dynamic in our beginner’s guide to gentle femdom.
Today’s sex guide is more related to the latter profession, although there’s no such thing as too many skills. We already discussed how to turn a man into a sex slave and your woman into a sex slave, but today we’re talking strictly about dom/sub relationships and training techniques.
Without further ado, let’s dive into the faraway land of BDSM!
What Is a Dominant-Submissive Relationship?
A dominant-submissive relationship, called dom/sub for short, is an important part of BDSM. The definition is a bit tricky; it’s commonly defined as a consensual power exchange dynamic.
This cluster of words may look complicated, although you must have seen it before if you’re a frequent reader of our sex guides. It describes a type of relationship in which there’s a clear distinction between the dominant partner, who takes on the role of authority, and the submissive partner, who willingly gives up a degree of control.
The consensual part is extremely vital, as no matter how intense or unusual the activities a pair may get up to, they must still be for mutual pleasure and within predetermined boundaries.
The dominant partner, also known as the dom or, if it’s a woman, dominatrix or domina, is the leading partner responsible for guiding and directing the relationship. They set rules, boundaries and expectations for the submissive partner (the sub). Obviously, they both have to agree on everything.
Beyond professional dom work, some couples take the power play to the next level, meaning various areas of their lives become part of it.
For submissives, giving up control to their dominant partner can be a pleasure in itself. The unique power dynamics within the relationship can provide a sense of security, purpose and, of course, arousal. Submissives often enjoy being obedient, following orders and fulfilling the desires and fantasies of their dominant partner.
On the other hand, dominants take pleasure in the responsibility of caring for their sub’s well-being, both physically and emotionally. Dominants may engage in various forms of play, such as bondage, erotic spanking, roleplaying or sensory deprivation, all within the boundaries and limits established by both partners.
It’s crucial to note that a dominant-submissive relationship is built upon trust, open communication and consent. Both partners must fully understand their roles, boundaries and desires. Consent is critical, and any activity must be consensual and negotiated beforehand.
It’s also important to keep ordinary personal interactions separate from dom/sub ones unless both partners have explicitly agreed otherwise. Even in relationships involving ongoing power exchange, neither partner loses their right to personal boundaries or to withdraw consent.
Training and Motivation Techniques
Training in a dom/sub relationship is designed to help the submissive partner become familiar with their agreed role, expectations and responsibilities while experiencing pleasure and fulfilment in the process.
These techniques aim to establish a dynamic where the submissive willingly follows the dominant’s guidance within the boundaries they have both established. The submissive should always retain the ability to question instructions, communicate discomfort and withdraw consent.
Obedience training, as it’s usually called in BDSM terms, plays a fundamental role in submissive training. It involves setting clear rules and expectations for the submissive, which they agree to follow. It focuses on developing discipline, respect and a sense of structure within the relationship.
Punishment and reward systems are common elements of submissive training. Punishments are used as an agreed form of correction or discipline, while rewards are given to recognise and encourage desired behaviour.
These methods help maintain the power dynamic and provide motivation for the submissive to meet the expectations set by the dominant partner. Quite often, submissives even enjoy certain forms of punishment, on both emotional and sexual levels.
However, punishment must never be used to pressure someone into activities they’ve refused or to discourage them from expressing their boundaries.
Both punishments and rewards can be divided into three categories: verbal, physical and emotional or mental. Here are a few examples.
Punishments
Verbal reprimands — The dominant may use stern words or verbal cues to correct the submissive’s behaviour or actions that do not meet the established rules. This should remain within agreed roleplay boundaries rather than becoming genuine verbal abuse.
Physical discipline — This can include spanking, flogging or other forms of consensual impact play. Some couples also incorporate activities such as prolonged edging or tickling into their agreed disciplinary scenarios. These activities should be discussed beforehand, with clear limits and an immediate way to stop. Breathplay or restricting someone’s breathing is particularly dangerous and shouldn’t be treated as a routine punishment or training technique.
Timeouts — The submissive may be assigned a mutually agreed period of quiet reflection as part of a disciplinary scenario. Some couples also incorporate temporary restrictions on particular privileges. However, deliberately ignoring a partner, withholding emotional support or refusing contact as a means of real-life punishment can be harmful and shouldn’t be confused with healthy BDSM discipline.
Rewards
Verbal praise — The dominant partner can provide positive reinforcement through verbal affirmations, acknowledging the submissive’s obedience and expressing satisfaction with their performance.
Physical rewards — This can include sensual touch, gentle caresses or mutually agreed sexual activities, such as a favourite kink, as a way to gratify and reward the submissive for good behaviour or fulfilling assigned tasks.
Privileges — The dominant may grant special privileges or rewards to the submissive as a form of gratification. This can range from allowing the submissive to make decisions to granting them special treats or experiences.
It’s important to note that punishments and gratification should always be consensual and within the boundaries established in the relationship.
Neither partner should feel obliged to continue with a particular training method simply because it was agreed upon previously. Preferences can change, and a successful dom/sub relationship should allow both people to communicate those changes without fear of punishment.
Clear Communication
In our sex guides, we always stress the importance of conversation and consent, but it’s even more critical with BDSM-related subjects.
Establishing consent and boundaries is a fundamental aspect of any dom/sub relationship. Before any action, both partners should have open and honest discussions about their individual boundaries, limits and desires.
This ensures that both parties clearly understand what is expected and what is off-limits, creating a safe and consensual dynamic.
Consent is the crucial factor in any healthy relationship, especially in the context of dominance and submission. Both the dominant and submissive must freely and willingly give their consent for any activities or scenes that take place.
Consent should be informed, enthusiastic and revocable at any time. It’s important to remember that consent is not a one-time agreement, but an ongoing process that requires continuous communication and mutual understanding.
The submissive should be able to make their dominant stop all action at once, which can be implemented with the use of safe words.
A safe word is a unique word, sometimes accompanied by a gesture, that wouldn’t otherwise be used during an exchange, for example, “blue kangaroo” or “square ball”. The words should also have clear and easily distinguishable pronunciation.
However, safe words are an additional precaution, not a replacement for ordinary consent. Any clear request to stop must be respected, whether or not the agreed safe word is used.
Communication and negotiation play key roles in maintaining a balanced and consensual dominant-submissive relationship.
Regular check-ins with the submissive partner are essential to ensure that their needs and desires are being met. A good dom should be able to provide a safe space for open and honest communication that allows the submissive to express themselves, voice any concerns and provide feedback.
They should actively listen and validate the submissive’s feelings, making adjustments as necessary.
Negotiating scenes, activities and limits is an integral part of establishing boundaries within a dom/sub relationship. This involves discussing and mutually agreeing upon the specific activities, intensity levels and boundaries that both partners are comfortable with.
For couples who prefer a more structured arrangement, a written dom-sub agreement can also help establish expectations, responsibilities, boundaries and safety precautions. However, no agreement removes either partner’s right to withdraw consent.
Safe and Sound
In a dom/sub relationship, ensuring the safety and well-being of the submissive is of utmost importance. The same goes for the dom, as they’re also exposed to potential emotional difficulties and physical risks.
We already created a sex guide about sex work safety, relationship dilemmas and emotional distancing, but it’s not all.
Listed below are the main aspects you have to look out for if you want to be a good dominant. You can use it as a practical checklist.
Safe words and signals — Predetermined words or gestures that either partner can use to communicate discomfort or the need to stop a scene. Safe words provide a clear and immediate way to express limits and ensure boundaries are respected. If someone becomes unable to respond or communicate clearly, the activity must stop immediately.
Aftercare — After intense sessions, provide emotional support, reassurance and comfort to the submissive. Aftercare can involve cuddling, talking, offering water or snacks, or engaging in gentle activities. The dominant may also need emotional reassurance and time to unwind after a particularly intense experience.
Create a safe environment — Build an atmosphere where the submissive feels cared for and supported. This includes ensuring physical safety, emotional well-being and open communication. Any toys or equipment should be suitable for their intended use, and activities involving physical risks should never be approached without understanding those risks.
Regularly check in — Maintain open lines of communication to ensure the submissive’s needs and desires are being met. Regularly check in to discuss boundaries, limits and desires, and create a safe space for the submissive to express themselves. Some partners decide to keep a separate means of communication just for that purpose, like a different messenger or email address.
Educate yourself — Educate yourself about BDSM practices, stay informed about safety precautions and seek guidance from trusted sources. Remember to fact-check any activity you’ve planned, since some fantasies can be dangerous to fulfil. In particular, practices involving restricted breathing, loss of consciousness or significant physical injury carry serious risks and should not be regarded as ordinary beginner activities.
Remember that becoming a good dominant isn’t simply about giving orders or expecting obedience. It’s also about understanding your partner, recognising their limits and taking responsibility for your own behaviour.
Final Thoughts
To sum up, dom/sub sessions can be an unforgettable and fulfilling experience for both parties involved, but as with everything, you have to be careful.
Training a new submissive is a lot of work, and even experienced submissives must take some time to adjust to a new dom. You have to stay patient and communicative. As long as you both want the same thing and continue respecting each other’s boundaries, you’ll have a much stronger foundation for exploring your fantasies together.
Our sex guide series has covered a lot of potential practices for BDSM sessions, such as CBT, breathplay, foot fetish, golden showers and bondage. You’re welcome to explore our other guides to understand these subjects and their risks, or jump to the erotica section for some fictional inspiration.
Just remember that not every fantasy is safe to recreate in real life, and some activities carry serious dangers regardless of experience.
Whether you’re interested in becoming a dominant, exploring submission or simply learning more about the world of BDSM, communication, consent and mutual respect should always come first.